do and/or die

Conversation from my most recent stint in jail

• Cellmate: [after finding out where I work] Right, right. That makes sense. You're for real!
• M: [shrugs]
• Cellmate: You know what's scary?
• M: [stunned, thinking hack jokes: Sharing a long-forgotten Bed-Stuy holding cell with a big black guy? What my asshole's gonna look like in ten minutes?]
• Cellmate: High Pitch Mike.
• M: [stunned again, lying] ...Yeah. For sure.
• Cellmate: That dude's freaky.
• M: He's actually kind of a nice guy.
• Cellmate: Whatever, man. He's weird looking. I wonder what he's doing right now.
• M: At least one night a weekend he watches his godson, so maybe that.
• Cellmate: What?! I wouldn't let him near my kids, man. No way. He'd cut 'em up or something.
• M: Nah. He's a pretty level guy. We'll grab a burger once in a while.
• Cellmate: Huh. Well you all right, man. This is crazy! Howard Stern!
• M: [nods head]
• Cellmate: You got a Myspace?